A Rather Unwelcome Burden
by For All That Remains
Summary: A Mystery Dungeon parody, with a little original plot thrown in. Follow the adventures of a shinx named Dave and his friend Houndour as they deal with the hardships a rescue team brings, and a possible crisis of world-ending proportions! Rated M for adult humor and language.
1. Chapter 1

**A Rather Unwelcome Burden**

**Chapter 1**

* * *

He had absolutely no idea where the hell he was. That much was certain.

Actually, he did know one other thing, for sure.

He was pissed. And not the simple, "hey buddy, I broke your last pencil in half on the day of the big test, so now you have to make an ass out of yourself so someone will give you theirs."

No, this pissy attitude was more akin to, "I just ate all the bacon."

Truly, this hypothetical situation was worse than the Holocaust.

He shook his head. Bacon and genocide? He must've fallen asleep in history class while eating lunch again.

And after the "Dirty Sanchez" 'stache his friends had drawn on him in sharpie, he thought he would never do that again.

At least, he hoped to God it was sharpie.

Suddenly, his musings on the working of the universe and their correlation with permanent markers was interrupted by an ethereal voice.

"_Are you quite done thinking about stupid shit yet?"_

He blinked, and looked around for the source of the voice. He checked everywhere he could in the floating, endless, black, possibly demon-infested hell-pit he was in. After finding nothing, he hesitantly lifted up his shoes to check the bottom of them.

Nothing on the left.

Nothing on the right.

Crisis averted. If his mother had found out he had brought a disembodied spirit that had somehow managed to crawl its way out of the deepest layer of hell, he wouldn't get any dinner.

Fuck you, mom.

He heard a sigh. _"Are you done acting like an idiot yet? I'm running a very, very tight schedule here, and dealing with your ridiculous shenanigans is more tiring than you'd think. Honestly, you've been here less than a minute and a half, and I already want to give you a vasectomy with a rusty fork to prevent you from having offspring."_

He only knew of one entity powerful enough to commit such a degrading medical procedure with tarnished silverware.

"Am I speaking to Jesus?" he asked.

He heard what sounded like a face hitting a table.

"Is that a no, then?"

"_Look, it doesn't matter who I am. All that matters is that you answer this question; what do you think of your world?"_

"Yes."

"'_Yes?'"_

"Yes."

"_Yes to what?"_

"Just, yes. I kind of like the world, you know. That's where I keep all my stuff."

"_That's the only reason why you like it?"_

"Well, we also have porn."

"_Ah. Now, I ask you this question; would you like to leave this world in favor of another?"_

He blinked. "Okay, what?"

"_Do. You. Want to. Leave. The world. For. Another."_

"Um, why?"

"_Okay, I was going to give some long-winded speech about the fate of the universe or something, but I'll just skip it because it's not important. Basically, there's this other world filled with pokémon. Yes, from the Japanese game. Except they're real. Also, their world's going to shit, because they fucked up and brought some douchebag in from your world. So, we figured we'd bring in another person and turn them into a pokémon to help them unfuck themselves. Sound cool?"_

He scratched his head. "I guess. What do I have to do to get to this other world?"

"_Answer this questionnaire. Some of the questions may seem weird, but I assure you, they are all necessary, and the fate of the world rests in you answering them."_

"Really?"

"_Just answer the questions."_

"Okay, fine. I'll play along."

"_Good, now we're getting somewhere. Question 1: what is-"_

"Love? Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more."

"_Fine. I guess that counts. Question 2: complete this sentence; Jack and John went to the tree to…"_

"Cut it down to make a table, which they would then place in the cemetery on the night of the full moon so they could have something to strap a virgin onto in order to sacrifice her to summon Ronnie James Dio, the evil ruler of hell and heavy metal, to get him to sing once more his songs of loneliness and evil women. Also, all of this is going on with Venom playing in the background."

There was a long pause when he finished his long sentence. Finally, the ethereal voice decided to chime in.

"_Wow, that was disturbing. Okay, we're moving on to the next question, because I need to go see my special doctor after this. Question 3: An orphan comes up to you on the street, asking for money. What do you do?"_

"Give him money."

"_Wait, really? I was expecting something seriously fucked u-"_

"'Scuse me, but it's rude to interrupt. Now, as I was saying, I'd give him money, but I'd make sure it was counterfeit, covered in semen and cocaine, and had a piece of a finger belonging to Jimmy Hoffa in it, so as to get the little orphan onto the F.B.I.'s list of _Crazy Motherfucking Psychopaths That Will Fuck Up Your Shit if You So Much As Look at Them in a Normal Manner._ That's a real list, too."

There was the sound of papers being torn, glass bottles being shattered, and the uttering of racial slurs all around him. This went on for about eighty-nine seconds, before the voice finally came back to talk.

"_Well, that's the last question. Yup, no more. Only three. Well, according to these results, you're a selfish, hateful, cynical, evil, and generally unpleasant individual who probably leaves the toilet seat up. Therefore, you are going to be a shinx, because fuck cats and their self-absorbed attitudes. Assholes."_

At this, the unnamed human felt himself become enveloped in a fluorescent light. He closed his eyes and allowed the transformation to take place without a struggle. However, just as he felt the first symptoms of unconsciousness creep up on him, his eyes snapped open.

"Wait! Mysterious voice, will I ever see you again?"

"_No, I'm just a plot device useful for one or two scenes in this whole thing. Have fun unfucking the world. Try not to die…or, you know what? I _hope _you die! Fuck you, man!"_

There was what sounded like a microphone being dropped, followed immediately by what sounded like two grown men fighting over something. Deciding not to pursue the matter any further, the human closed his eyes and finally allowed himself to black out.

* * *

"_Hey, buddy."_

"Ughhh…"

"_Hey."_

"Ughhhhhhh…"

"_Son, you're in my fucking azaleas! Get out before I go grab my can opener and open up a can of whoop-ass on you!"_

He slowly opened an eye, then jumped at what he saw. In front of him was a houndour. Wait, why was he surprised? The voice had told him about the world he was going into. With a jolt, he realized that, if there was a pokémon in front of him…

He looked down. There, in place of two feet were four blue-furred paws. He was just about to make a pun regarding Krystal from Star Fox and furries when he was knocked out of his stupor by a fast-moving object from behind him.

The impact caused him to roll approximately eight feet away, out of the annoyed houndour's azaleas. And thank God for that, too. That houndour looked like he was about to bust more nuts than a radical feminist with a sledgehammer in a boys' locker room.

He shook his head, then stood up. As the impact had somehow also turned him around, the first thing he did was return his gaze to the houndour. To his surprise, he also saw a butterfree floating next to the houndour. His admittedly smaller-than-average brain was able to piece two and two together and come to the conclusion that root beer was the best soda ever made. Oh, and that the butterfree had knocked him on his ass. Putting off the immense desire he suddenly had for a can of root beer, he decided to listen in to the conversation playing out before him.

"**No, **Butterfree! I will _not _go rescue your son again!" the houndour said.

The butterfree twitched its wings irritably. "C'mon, please Houndour? I just need you to go get him one more time!"

"You said that the last four times he fell into that fucking cavern! Why can't you just go get him? All you have to do is find the stairs and they'll lead you right to him!"

Butterfree narrowed her eyes. "Okay, I'll be blunt; I don't want to go down there, okay? I'm a lazy fucknugget. Nobody else wants to go get him, either. So, I'm asking you to go get him for me."

Houndour let out a growl. "Hang on a minute," he said, turning to the shinx behind him. "Well, now that you're out of my azaleas, maybe you'd like to tell me some things? For starters, your name, where you're from, and why I shouldn't kick your ass."

The shinx frowned. "Fine. My name is Dave. I used to be a human, but I was turned into a shinx by a disembodied voice who asked me to save this world from something."

Houndour gave him an incredulous stare. "You're also obviously crazy. Now, why shouldn't I kick your ass for stomping on my flowers?"

Dave thought for a moment. In that moment, the hamster inside his noggin began running inside its wheel, promptly died of a heart attack, and was replaced by another hamster. This hamster also died of a heart attack. Then, his brain decided, "fuck metaphors!".

Also, he came up with a plan.

"Well, I have a proposition for you, Houndour."

"Oh, do tell."

Dave motioned towards Butterfree. "It's obvious she's not going to leave you alone until you find her brat. Well, I can help you with that."

Houndour looked at him, obviously interested. "Go on…"

Dave smiled. "It's simple; the two of us go save this little bastard from whatever hell he's gotten his pre-pubescent ass into, come back, then watch as Butterfree leaves, never to return again…until her pants-on-head retarded kid decides to jump down another chasm, that is."

Houndour smiled. "You're alright, kid. I may not kick your ass after all." That being said, he turned to Butterfree. "Okay, we'll go find him."

Butterfree let out a sigh of relief. "Thank you…for a second, I thought I'd have to do something! I'll just wait here until you two get back. Oh, he's also in-"

"Let me guess; Tiny Woods, right?" Houndour asked, annoyed.

"Yes. Dumbass won't stay away," Butterfree said.

Houndour nodded. "Okay. Follow me, Dave."

Dave nodded, and the two of them took off running. However, before they even got ten feet away, Houndour stopped.

"Don't touch my fucking azaleas, Butterfree! I will fuck up your shit if you do!" he shouted, before taking off running again.

* * *

Tiny Woods, as the name implies, is notorious for being very, very small. The other, bigger, thicker woods that surround it often make fun of it and take its lunch money, and the beautiful rain forests refuse to associate with anything that small. Size _does _matter, children.

Dave was snapped out of his thoughts by a paw to the back of the skull, courtesy of Houndour.

"Pay attention, dammit!" Houndour said, as he stared at the entrance to the woods. "Right, here's the plan; we go inside, find the stairs, and get down to this little bastard."

Dave gave him a questioning look. "But…why are there _stairs _in a-"

"Is that really important in a time like this, Dave?"

"Well, it's certainly cause for concern, yes. I mean, it must clash so _horribly _with the walls…"

Houndour stared at him. "…You're fucking weird," he said. "Now, be careful when we get in there; there's a bunch of territorial pokémon that live in there that _can _and _will _try and rob you to fuel their cocaine addictions. It's like an inner city in there."

Dave, however, was already long gone. "Goddamn it…" Houndour muttered, as he ran in after Dave.

Dave, meanwhile, was busy being backed into a corner by several sunkern brandishing black, slicked-back hair, leather jackets, and switchblades.

"Looks like someone's a little lost…" one said. He approached Dave slowly, switchblade at the ready…

…Only for it to fall as soon as he moved, because sunkern have no hands with which to hold switchblades. As if on cue, the rest of the sunkern's switchblades all clattered to the ground, leaving them defenseless against an understandably pissed-off shinx.

Dave grinned. Now, it was time for some payback. Now, it was time to use an attack! Focusing on the group of targets in front of him, Dave tried to command his brain to use an attack. Instead, all he got was a burst vessel in his eye.

"Aaaaahh, dammit!" he shouted, as he stumbled around, one paw clenched over his eye. In his injured state, he didn't notice when he accidentally kicked one of the switchblades lying on the ground.

Consequently, he also didn't notice it go flying, cleanly cleaving all of the sunkern in front of him in half, somehow.

"Dave? Dave! What happened?" Houndour said, as he ran out of the tunnel.

"I burst a damn blood vessel!" Dave yelled.

Houndour scoffed. "Is that all? I thought you-" he stopped when he saw the dead sunkern lying in front of him, before turning back to Dave, who was still struggling with his eye problem and loudly cursing. Houndour thought about saying something, but decided it would be better not to. Instead, he removed Dave's paw from in front of his eye, and poked him in it.

"Ow!"

"You're wasting time, now let's go!" Houndour said, as he ran further into the woods.

"And you're an ass, but you don't see me complaining…" Dave muttered, before chasing after his partner.

* * *

Two more floors. Two more floors of that madness.

And neither one of them had gotten a scratch, mainly because of Houndour's use of ember. Dave had asked for help in learning to use attacks, but received nothing but laughter and a polite, "you're fucking retarded," from Houndour.

All in all, everything went better than expected.

"Is this the last floor?" Dave asked.

"Well, there's a child sitting in the middle of the room, and no conceivable exit in sight. Gee Dave, I don't know."

"You know, your sarcasm hurts."

"Not as much as a fireball to the ass. Now, grab the kid and let's go."

Dave, grumbling, walked over to the kid and went to pick him up. In return, he received a face full of string shot.

"Son of a bitch, right in the eye!" he yelled, as he swiped furiously at it in an attempt to remove it.

"That'll teach you!" the caterpie said, in a squeaky voice that resembled something slightly less pleasant than nails on a chalkboard.

Houndour glared at him. "Caterpie, c'mon. Your lazy mother asked us to find you."

Caterpie's eyes brightened. "Really? Oh, please take me home! I do miss her so!"

"Then why'd you jump in a damn cavern?!" Dave yelled, as he peeled the last of the string off his face.

"Will you come on?" Houndour said.

"I would, if I knew where the stairs were!"

Houndour paused, then looked around before cursing himself for forgetting that one crucial thing he had mentioned a few sentences ago. "Well…most of the time, a rescue team is the one to do these kinds of jobs, and they have special badges that let them teleport out of places like this."

"You guys! We can get out of this, no problem! After all, Whiscash says; 'If you wish hard enough, and practice every day, all your dreams will come true!'" Caterpie said.

"Practice what?" Dave asked.

"Didn't Whiscash get arrested for child molestation?" Houndour asked.

Caterpie glared at him. "The charges were dropped!"

"Whatever quoting shitty philosophy won't get us out of here we need a miracle," Dave said.

As soon as he said that, a meteorite crashed through the ceiling and landed right in front of them, creating a hole through all the floors of the woods. Even stranger was the fact that the meteorite had conveniently collapsed into a set of stairs.

"What the ever-loving fuck just happened?" Dave asked.

"I don't know, but I'll take it," Houndour said, as he and Caterpie approached the mysterious ruins and proceeded to walk up them to the top. Dave was just about to join them, when he took a look at the meteorite and noticed something strange; there, carved into the side of the space rock, were someone's initials.

"Who's 'P.D.'?" he wondered aloud, before running up the stairs to join Houndour at the top.

* * *

"Oh, thank you for finding Caterpie! Here, take these berries!" Butterfree said, as she forced berries into Dave's paws.

"What am I supposed to do with these?"

"Plant them in the ground, Dave," Houndour said, before turning to Caterpie. "So, you're not going to run into any more chasms, right?"

Caterpie thought for a moment. "Well, maybe one tomorrow-" He was interrupted with a smack from his mother.

"What did I tell you about being stupid?" she asked, "you don't get a birthday this year."

Caterpie began to tear up. Houndour, seeing this, placed a paw on top of his head, and offered some wise words;

"Son? Nut up or shut up."

And with that, he jabbed Caterpie in the crotch with one of his paws, then sent the family on their way. About this time, a dirt-covered Dave returned to him.

"Well, I planted the berries like you asked. Guess I'll be on my way now," he said, before beginning to walk away. He stopped when he felt a paw on his shoulder.

"Dave? I was thinking; maybe we should form our own rescue team," Houndour said.

"Really? What makes you say that?" Dave asked, as Houndour stepped towards him.

"Well, I was thinking; I need a hobby other than my azaleas, you need to learn how not to be retarded. So, this kind of fit the bill for both."

Dave blinked. "That doesn't make a whole lot of sense…"

Houndour rolled his eyes. "Just say yes."

"Fine. I'll join your team."

Houndour smiled. "Great."

The two sat there in silence, until Dave broke it.

"You know, you can take your paw off my shoulder and move your face farther away from mine."

"Why?"

Just then, a group of pokémon tourists being led by a golduck with a camera around its neck stopped and looked at them.

"…And if you look over there, you'll see a few 'homosexuals'."

Dave and Houndour looked at each other, then towards the golduck. Both began to clear their throats, and Houndour removed his paw from Dave's shoulder before turning to him.

"…We'll file for an official form tomorrow. You can stay at my place until then. Sound good?"

Dave nodded. "Thanks."

"Hey, you helped me get rid of that insect bitch. This is the least I could do," Houndour said.

"Hey, I think they're about to kiss!" one of the tourists shouted from the back of the group.

Dave turned towards the group. "We're not gay! Fuck off!"

"Aww, whatever, man. Everything ends in yaoi these days! You'll give in some day! The fans demand it!"

"Fans of what?" Houndour asked.

"It doesn't matter, he's crazy. Let's just head back, okay?" Dave asked.

Houndour nodded. "I'll give you the tour around town tomorrow."

With that, the two of them walked back towards Houndour's house, intent upon not doing anything gay.

"Aww, c'mon, man!" the annoying tourist from earlier cried.

* * *

A/N: A little rough around the edges (okay a LOT rough around the edges), but I'm pleased with how this turned out, overall. Thoughts? Suggestions? Hate Mail? There's a section for that.

Stay…erm…read-y, my friends.

Yes, that was supposed to be a parody of the Dos Equis guy. I regret nothing.


	2. Chapter 2

**A Rather Unwelcome Burden**

**Chapter 2**

* * *

Dave sat up in bed with a shout. He had just had the worst dream about him being turned into a shinx by some mysterious voice, then going on a mission to save some whiny brat with an asshole houndour named…well, Houndour.

Dave's nightmares were neither exciting nor original.

Such is the life of an idiot's subconscious mind.

Dave yawned, then got out of bed. In doing so, he tripped over his paws, and ended up smacking his head on the end table next to the bed. While he sat on the floor, rubbing the painful lump forming on his head, he failed to notice the shaking end table about to unbalance the flower pot that stood on top of it.

Sometimes, the universe plays out like an episode of the Three Stooges. Dave, of course, learned this after the aforementioned flower pot decided to land smack dab on top of the where he had bumped his head on the table.

With a shout, Dave set to work stumbling around the room, furiously trying to rub the soil out of his eyes. Why he didn't just sit still to do this is a mystery.

Of course, acting stupid has consequences.

Dave, while clearing the soil from his eyes, had failed to notice that he was laying down directly in front of the door.

With a crash, the door swung open, hitting Dave (of course) right on the bump on his skull.

"Dave? I heard shouting. You okay?" Houndour asked, as he looked around the room. As he did so, he had to suppress the rage that was rapidly building inside of him. The bed was in shambles, the end table had a head-shaped dent in it, blood was all over the floor, and the flower pot he kept on the end table was broken into shards.

And there, in the middle of it all, was Dave, rolling on the ground and clutching his head in agony.

Houndour ran over to his partner, picked him up off the ground, and slapped him across the face.

"Ow! Why'd you hit me?" Dave asked, as he struggled to massage both injuries.

"Because you fucking destroyed the room, Dave!" Houndour shouted.

"It was an accident!"

"I don't give a shit! The point is that the room's destroyed! How the hell did you manage, within a minute and a half of waking up, to destroy an entire room?"

"It's not destroyed!"

"Yes Dave, it _is _destroyed! In case you haven't noticed, there's _blood _in the _floor!_ Do you know how difficult that is to get out?"

"Well, how do you think I feel? I'm sitting here, bleeding profusely, while you're smacking me across the face and lecturing me on floor-cleaning!"

Houndour let out a sigh. "I can't deal with this right now…just go wait downstairs while I clean up these shards of flower pot. And, for God's sake, bandage yourself! Don't just let your blood get on everything in my house!"

* * *

"Well, that set us back a few hours," Houndour said, as he led Dave to the entrance of the town.

Dave glared at him. "Look, I said I was sorry okay? I even promised to sleep on the floor from now on! Now, can we please just get to…wherever it is we're supposed to go?"

Houndour rolled his eyes. "Did I not explain this enough yesterday, or something?"

"Well, I kind of forgot sometime between cracking my skull open, getting lectured by you, bandaging said head injury, then cleaning the room via a catchy musical number."

"…That _was _a catchy musical number…" Houndour mumbled, before clearing the thought from his head. "Don't try to distract me! Now, like I said yesterday; we're going to the Pelipper Post Office to file for a Rescue Team Permit."

"They seriously require _permits _for voluntary search-and-rescue work?" Dave asked.

"Yes, and it's very stupid. Anyway, we're going to the post office, and I figured I'd show you around town on the way there. And, speaking of the town, here we are."

Dave looked around the "town", as Houndour called it. Honestly, it wasn't much-just a few one-story shacks with counters in front of them, and signs explaining which services each of them provided.

"Right, now let's begin the tour," Houndour said, as he led Dave to the first stand. "This is Kangaskhan's stand. She will store your items for you, free of charge."

Dave blinked. "Really? So, I can just pick up random shit, tell her to store it, and she'll do it?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

With a smirk, Dave bent down and plucked a blade of grass from the ground, then approached the counter and rang the bell.

"Just a minute, dear!" a voice called from inside the house.

Precisely sixty seconds later, the front door opened up, and a kangaskhan stepped up to the counter.

"Welcome to Kangaskhan's Storage! We're not legally obligated to care about your shit! Now, what do you need?"

"I'd like to deposit this blade of grass."

"And a fine blade of grass it! Why, it may be the finest I've seen since I was young! I'll just store that for you!"

Dave watched, confused, as Kangaskhan stood there, smiling at him.

"Uhhh…aren't you supposed to, you know, take it to the back, or something?"

"Look at the counter, dearie."

Dave did so, and, to his astonishment, the blade of grass was gone. "How the fuck did you do that?" he asked.

Kangaskhan frowned. "Do what? All I did was store your magnificent blade of grass."

"But…but, you didn't even…where did it…how..?" Dave stammered.

Kangaskhan bent over the counter, grabbed one of Dave's oversized ears, and began whispering into it.

"It's a secret, Dearie."

That was all it took for Dave to freak out, grab Houndour, and move on to the next store.

* * *

"What's this next store called?" Dave asked.

"'Gulpin's Link Shop."

"What the hell's a Link Shop?"

"It's a place where this amorphous blob named Gulpin will teach you to use two attacks at once," Houndour explained.

"That makes no sense."

"Neither does anything else in this world, but I'm certainly not complaining, am I?" Houndour said, as he approached the counter.

Dave looked around the outside of the store before joining Houndour. "So, where is this guy, anyway?"

"Where is who, sonny?" Gulpin asked.

Dave jumped. "Jesus Christ, it's the blob!"

"Dave, calm down! That's Gulpin!" Houndour shouted.

"That's right, sonny! I'm Gulpin! I'll teach you to link two moves together for maximum battle-rapeage! Sound interesting?"

"Can you teach me how to do attacks?" Dave asked.

Gulpin stared at him before laughing uncontrollably. To Dave's irritation, Houndour joined in the laughter. After a solid five minutes of laughing, the two managed to wipe the tears from their eyes and get off the ground.

"What kind of idiot doesn't know how to do an attack?" Gulpin asked, trying his hardest not to start laughing at Dave again.

Dave scowled. "Fuck you, old man!"

"Whoa, whoa, calm your balls, Dave," Houndour said.

"Can we just move on to the next place, already? I'd rather not be laughed at by someone old enough to be a grandfather's grandfather's grandfather."

"Hey! I'll have you know that I am only a grandfather's grandfather, not a grandfather's grandfather's grandfather!" Gulpin shouted, as the two walked away. As soon as they were gone, he slumped down in his chair.

"They'll be back…they _always _come back…"

* * *

"This next place is called Makuhita Dojo. Basically, you go there, get beat up, and somehow this makes you stronger," Houndour explained.

"Honestly, I'm not even sure why I'm surprised even slightly by how little sense that makes," Dave said, as he approached the rather muscular gentleman outside the entrance to the dojo.

"Welcome to Makuhita Dojo! Go in, get your ass kicked, lose your money and items, shame your ancestors, and somehow grow stronger! Do you want to challenge a course today?"

"What courses do you have available?" Dave asked.

Makuhita smiled at him. "Well, little shinx, we've got-aww, fuck no!" he shouted, as he saw a group of pokémon wielding picket fences approach the dojo.

"Who are they?" Dave asked.

"They're this social group that comes by every few days to protest the dojo. They claim we're using this business to beat people senseless and steal all of their shit," Makuhita said.

"But, isn't that what you do?" Dave asked.

"No! We're training people," Makuhita said.

"But your 'training' consists of beating people up and stealing from them."

"And?"

"Well, that sounds more like robbery to me."

Makuhita's eye began to twitch. "Look, why don't you just get out of here? I don't want to kick your ass and steal all of your shit, little shinx."

Dave narrowed his eyes at Makuhita. "Fine. But I'll be back, and I'll take on the Russian champion, and I'll avenge Apollo's death!"

"Dave, are you quite finished? This guy looks about ready to snap your neck," Houndour said.

"Yeah, I probably pissed him off pretty badly. Let's get out of here before I end up in the E.R."

* * *

The next stop, of course, was none other than the Kecleon Shop.

And, of course, it was going to end up weird.

"So, where might we locate the proprietors of this store?" Dave asked.

"In the stand," Houndour replied.

"But they're not-JESUS!" Dave shouted, as he turned around and came face-to-face with a kecleon.

"Hello," the kecleon said. "I am Kecleon, and this is my brother, Kecleon. We are the Kecleon Brothers. We run the Kecleon Shop. Also, we're Kecleon. How may we be of service?"

Dave thought for a moment. "Well, how about telling me what you sell?"

"Certainly," one of the brothers chimed in. "I specialize in TM's, and my brother specializes in random horseshit."

"It's not horseshit, brother. Most of it is genuinely useful, you know," the other brother responded.

"Don't mind him, he just can't accept the fact that no one wants to buy his wares."

"Really, brother? Have you forgotten that _I _make most of the sales?"

"That's quite irrelevant, brother!"

"You're quite stupid, brother!"

"Yeah? Well, mom loved me best, brother!"

While the other kecleon brother tried to think of a retort, he happened to glance over the counter.

"Erm…brother?"

"Yes, brother?"

"Where did our customers go?"

"Well, it seems you scared them off with your ranting, brother."

"Oh, _I _scared them off?"

"Yes, you did!"

"That's it! Put up your dukes, brother!"

"Come at me, brother!"

And with that, the two kecleon brothers began a no-holds-barred fist fight in the middle of their own stand, the likes of which would only be matched by two toddlers fighting over a box of Legos.

What wimps.

* * *

After the insanity the Dave had suffered through at the last stand, he thought he would never see anything worse.

He was wrong.

For the next stop was Whiscash Pond.

"Why are we going here again?" Dave asked.

"Because Whiscash is an interesting guy, once you get past the pedophile portion of him," Houndour explained.

"I'm still not comfortable with this…"

"Just do it, then we can go."

"Fine…" Dave grumbled, as he approached the pond. As he got closer, Whiscash stuck his head out of the water.

"Well, hello, little one. Listen, I've got some candy-"

"Save it, sicko. I need you to tell me a story."

"Well, I suppose I could. Here's a story called, 'The Fish Who Was Framed for Child Molestation'. It stars a fish who was framed for child molestation. Basically, there's this fish swimming around, and then a bunch of other fish swim up to him and accuse him of molesting children, just because he took an unhealthy interest in little boys! What did you think of that story, little one?"

Dave blinked. "Well, I think you're a sick fuck, and should probably be in jail. I'm surprised you're even allowed with twenty feet of those children over there," he said, motioning to said group of children.

"I'm not, but that's never stopped me before," Whiscash said, with a smile.

Dave suddenly felt the uncontrollable urge to call for an adult. However, he resisted said urge, and instead began to back away slowly. "Well, I'll just be going then."

Whiscash grinned. "Okay. Come back any time," he said, before leaning in close, "…and I do mean _any _time…"

Dave still retains the land-speed record from the subsequent run from Pedo Pond.

* * *

"Are we almost done with the tour? I can't take much more of this…" Dave whined.

"Almost. Just two more stops, then the post office," Houndour said, reassuringly.

"What's the next stop?"

"A place called 'Felicity Bank'. It's a bank run by Persian. He likes money."

"Should I be concerned?" Dave asked.

"Honestly? Yes," Houndour replied.

"Well, that's reassuring."

"Well, you asked."

"Are you two actually going to deposit some cash, or are you just going to loudly comment on my business?" Persian asked.

Houndour smirked. "We're not doing anything until _you _say the introduction."

Persian groaned. "Fine…Welcome to Felicity Bank! I promise I won't use your money to fuel my gambling, cocaine, heroin, and alcohol addictions! How may I help you?"

Dave and Houndour just sat there, staring at him. Finally, Houndour spoke up.

"Persian? I think that was the wrong introduction."

Persian grinned. " Nope. You just haven't met the new me." As he finished his sentence, he began wrapping a rubber band around his front left leg, then grabbed a syringe from below the counter. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go catch the purple dragon."

Houndour and Dave looked at each other, then back to Persian.

"Well, we'll just let you get to it, then. Come on, Dave. We're going to go see Wigglytuff."

"Is it going to be weird?"

"Very."

"I hate you."

"Then we understand each other. Now let's leave this man to his…shall we say, 'hobby'."

* * *

"Welcome to the Wigglytuff Club! I supply my customers with friend areas-basically, plots of land where you keep those you defeat in battle as your slaves for all eternity, never to be freed of their burden! How may I help you?" Wigglytuff said, in an overly enthusiastic tone.

Dave quickly shut his mouth. "Uhh…so, you supply _everyone_ with land?

"That is affirmative, my new friend! After all, everyone needs a place to keep their slaves! We can't have them escaping, can we?"

Dave leaned closer to Houndour. "I'm even less comfortable here than I was with Whiscash. This guy is clearly insane," he whispered.

"Honestly? I just remembered why I never stopped by here after buying that spot of land for my house…" Houndour said, shakily.

"So, how are we supposed to get out of here without having him go full Cupcakes on us?" Dave asked.

"I have a plan, Dave," Houndour said, as he approached the counter.

"Well, hello, my new fiery friend! How may I be of assistance?" Wigglytuff asked.

Dave swallowed. _I'm never coming back here again…_

"Well, erm…I'm looking for a friend are called…uh…Death Star!" Houndour shouted.

Wigglytuff blinked. "'Death Star'? I don't think I have that friend area…I'll have to check in the back."

Dave watched in disbelief as Wigglytuff walked inside the house. Crazy, apparently, directly correlates to stupidity.

This shocking scientific revelation was shattered by Houndour grabbing Dave and pushing him over to the post office.

"Dude, I can walk on my own!"

"You're not moving fast enough, dammit!"

"Maybe because you're pushing me?"

"Shut up and act like dead weight so I can get us out of here!"

* * *

The post office. One of the last bastions of American freedom. Inside its walls, dozens of workers are busy packaging, sorting, and screening letters and boxes.

Of course, this is referring to a normal post office, not the Pelipper Post Office.

Apparently, it was dictated that said post office was to be used for the signing of _all _legal documents throughout the land.

This, of course, resulted in a clusterfuck large enough to rival the DMV on a July weekend.

Dave, of course, found this out firsthand alongside Houndour.

"Could this line move any slower?" Dave asked.

"No, no it could not," Houndour replied. "Honestly, they need a better system than just calling out numbers."

"What do you propose, then?"

"Really, anything would be better. My ass is starting to get sore from this chair…"

"Well, I've got an idea."

Houndour sat up a little straighter. "Go on…"

Dave smirked. "Watch…" he said, as he rose from his chair and approached a rather muscular machoke at the front of the line.

"Excuse me, sir?" he asked.

The machoke glared at him. "What do you want, squirt?"

"Well, I just wanted to tell you that all the guys behind you made fun of your mom," Dave said.

The machoke bent down. "They did what now?"

"They made fun of your mom. You just going to let them get away with that?"

"No…"

"What was that?"

"No."

"I can't hear you!"

"No!"

"'No' what?"

"No, I will not let them get away with making fun of my mom!"

"You will refer to me as Drill Sergeant! Now, what are you not going to let them get away with?"

"I'm not going to let them get away with making fun of my mom!"

"And who am I?"

"Drill Sergeant!"

"Now, put it all together!"

"I'm not going to let them get away with making fun of my mom, Drill Sergeant!"

"Good! Now, go teach those bastards a lesson!"

"Yes!"

"'Yes' what?"

"Yes, Drill Sergeant!"

And with that, the very pissed off machoke proceeded to beat the holy shit out of about three dozen other pokémon, before being subdued by the authorities. Dave, meanwhile, walked back over to Houndour with a very triumphant look in his face.

"Dave?"

"Yes, Houndour?"

"How'd you do that?"

"Hell if I know. Now, let's go get us a license to rescue dumbasses," Dave said, as he and Houndour approached the counter.

A bored-looking pelipper greeted them by looking up from his magazine, staring at the two of them for about four seconds, then returning to the magazine.

"Let me guess; marriage license?" he asked.

"Oh, ha ha," Dave said.

"It wasn't a joke," the pelipper replied, without shifting his gaze from the magazine.

Houndour, already pissed off from the previous events of the day and his literal butthurt from the chair, decided not to take any of this bird's shit. He illustrated so by lighting the magazine on fire.

The pelipper dropped the flaming magazine and took to the air, flying up to the roof. "What the fuck, man?" he yelled.

"Just give us the damn rescue licenses and badges!" Houndour shouted.

"Fine! Just take the cards and badges from the pile, fill them out, and then do the same to the large form!" the pelipper said.

Houndour grinned. "Thank you, kind sir." He grabbed all the necessary materials in his mouth, then split them with Dave, and the two got to work filling out everything they'd need to be an official rescue team.

After about fifteen minutes, however, they hit a snag.

"What should we name our team?" Houndour asked.

"'Team Go-Getters?'" Dave suggested.

Houndour scoffed. "Nothing stupid like that. Try again."

"Well, what about 'The Team of Incredibly Talented Rescuers?'" Dave asked.

"Too long. Try again."

Dave thought for a moment, before finally turning back to Houndour. "I've got it! How about, 'Drag the Waters?'"

"Are you just going to shout out random songs until one fits?"

"Yes."

"Well, if you're going to just do something stupid like that, at least make it a one-word song. How about 'Schism?'"

"Love it. Write it down."

And so, team Schism was formed, and immediately began to assist others in need of help.

…Actually, they just went home, because after a long day of being beaten up by a room, emotionally disturbed by the locals, convincing others that they were in boot camp, lighting things on fire, and generally being nuisances, the two of them decided they had earned some much needed rest.

After all, there won't always be a meteorite there to rescue those in need.


	3. Chapter 3

**A Rather Unwelcome Burden**

**Chapter 3**

* * *

"_Dave…"_

"No, mom, don't wake me up…it's still daylight out…" Dave mumbled.

"_Dave."_

"Oh, so now you're bringing out the bacon, mom...? You never play fair…."

"_Dave!"_

"Ah! Where am I?" Dave asked, as he sat up.

"_You're in your dreams, Dave. I brought you here to talk. Now-"_

"Wait, did you say I'm dreaming?" Dave asked.

"_Well, yes, but I hardly see how that-"_

Dave grinned and clapped his paws together like an overexcited toddler."That's awesome! Let's see-I'm now dreaming that I'm a pirate!"

Immediately, the background changed from the intermission screen from That '70's Show to a pirate ship, complete with captain and crew.

"Yarr, what be that thing?" the captain asked.

"Looks like a lion, cap'n," one of the crew members responded.

"Well, how did he get here from nowhere in particular?"

"Beats me, cap'n."

Dave turned around to face the captain and crew member. "Hey! This is _my _dream, so _I'm _the captain!"

"_Dave, I don't think you should-"_

"Fuck you, I'm having fun!" Dave shouted, as the captain's hat magically teleported onto Dave's head. Immediately, Dave removed it and furiously began scratching his scalp.

"What the hell? Why's my head so itchy?" he asked.

"I forgot to tell ye, but I suffer from the head lice," the captain said, as he removed his hat from Dave's head. "And gimme back me hat, ye scurvy lion!"

Dave scowled. "Fine! I'm bored with being a pirate, anyway!"

"_Good, now we can-"_

"Whoa, whoa, I don't want to talk just yet, ethereal voice," Dave said.

"_And why's that?"_

"Because I haven't even gotten to be an astronaut yet!"

"_Okay, I tried patience, now I'm going to try something else."_

"What are you-Ow!" Dave said, as he felt something poke him in the eye. "What was that for?"

"_You're being annoying. Now, take a seat-we have much to discuss."_

"Fine…" Dave grumbled, as he sat down.

"_Now, you're probably wondering why you've been brought to this world."_

"No, not really."

"_Well, it's because-wait, what?"_

"Yeah, some other ethereal voice told me that he fucked up and brought some other jackoff here, and that guy's kind of assraping your world and shit, so I got dropped in the middle of bumfuck nowhere with the goal of sorting out your problems. You know, now that I said that out loud, it almost sounds like you guys had no idea what you were doing…"

"_Uh…well, that was pretty much the only reason why I brought you here. That, and I'm supposed to give you this."_

"Give me what?" Dave asked, as a rubber band fell in front of him.

"_Take this rubber band. Use it wisely and for the powers of good, for it is very, very powerful."_

"Really?"

"_No, not really. That's just a normal rubber band. You really thought that _you _out of everyone would get something even remotely powerful?"_

"Oh please, do continue insulting my intelligence. It's very helpful to my self-esteem."

"_Just take the rubber band, you big baby."_

"Fine," Dave said, as he picked the rubber band up in his mouth. "Now what?"

"_Now? Now, you wake up."_

Dave looked around. "And how do you suppose I do that, magical voice?"

"_Punch yourself in the face."_

Dave blinked. "What?"

"_No, really-punch yourself in the face. Haven't you ever had to wake up from a dream before?"_

"Well, no, but-"

"_For the love of God, just quit whining and punch yourself in the face!"_

"…But I don't wanna…"

"_Either you hurt yourself or I hurt you, Dave."_

"I thought you people were supposed to be, you know, holy?"

"_I'm an ethereal voice, not an angel. Now, hold still."_

"What for?" Dave asked. Immediately after finishing his statement, he felt something collide with his jaw, and knock him out.

Actually, he was asleep, so technically he was knocked awake.

Dave got up from his place on the living room floor and stumbled into the bathroom. He looked in the mirror, and-surprise, surprise-found himself covered in blood. He opened his mouth to curse the voice in his head when he felt something slide down his throat. Immediately, he began to cough, sputter, and punch himself in the stomach to dislodge whatever it was that was stuck in his windpipe. With one last mighty punch, he felt the object expel itself from his esophagus and into Houndour's bathroom sink. He then looked into the sink to see exactly what it was that had almost brought his life to a premature end.

A bloody tooth stared back at him from its place next to the drain.

Any ounce of self-restraint automatically went out the window as soon as he saw his tooth in the sink. He began to curse loudly and uncontrollably, with no end in sight.

Until Houndour came along, that is.

"Just shut the _fuck _up!" Houndour shouted, as he stepped into the bathroom.

Dave, a little bit afraid of what his friend might do if he didn't comply (the bed incident had only happened the day before, remember), immediately stopped cursing and sat down.

"That's more like it. Now, would you mind explaining why you're up at six in the morning, covered in blood and cursing up a storm?" Houndour asked.

"Well, I was dreaming, and this ethereal voice sucker-punched me hard across the face and knocked out one of my teeth," Dave explained.

Houndour stared at him. Several times, he tried opening his mouth to say something, only to close it a second later. After about a minute of this routine, he was able to form a sentence.

"I honestly would've accepted just about any other answer. Anything else would have at least made sense, but this? This is just…just…I can't even think of a word for it. Just clean yourself up, and try to refrain from injuring yourself in the future," Houndour said, as he exited the bathroom, leaving Dave to clean up after himself.

"Dammit, I'm telling the truth!" Dave shouted.

"I don't care, Dave. I just do not care."

"Asshole..." Dave mumbled, as he jumped in the shower to wash the blood out of his fur. He turned it on and was me with a stream of freezing cold water.

"What the shit!" he yelled, as he jumped out of the shower. "Houndour! This water's freezing!"

"Well, what did you expect? The shower feeds off of an aquifer underground! Just be happy I even _have _a shower!"

"Well, you could've warned me about the temperature!" Dave shouted.

"Well, you could've asked about it!" Houndour replied. "Just get back in the damn shower and get used to it!"

"Okay, okay…" Dave said, as he turned the water back on. After about a minute of standing underneath the stream of water, a thought struck him.

"Wait a minute…aren't shinx _electric _type?"

* * *

Houndour and Dave stood outside, staring at what used to be the left side of Houndour's house. They watched as the team of water pokémon left the house, occasionally stomping on a smoldering piece of wood to put it out.

"…So, the explosion completely destroyed the left portion of your house, and caught much of the rest on fire. Honestly, you may as well invest in a new house," the fire chief, a blastoise, informed them.

"Did you manage to save _anything?_" Houndour asked.

"Well, we were able to put out the fire before it got too far up the stairs. Honestly though, there's not a whole lot that was untouched," the blastoise said, before picking up his helmet. "Well, I've got to go answer a call about a skitty in a tree. You two have a good day now, you hear?" he said, as he gathered up the rest of his team and headed back to town.

Dave turned to Houndour. "Look, I'm-"

Houndour held up a paw. "Save it. It's been two days since you've gotten here, and you've already injured yourself quite seriously multiple times, weirded me out more times than I'm willing to count, and, for the grand finale, succeeded in destroying my house."

"Look, I said I was-"

"I said save it, Dave. Let's just go see what jobs are available at the post office. I'd rather not stare at this burned out husk any longer," Houndour said, as he turned around.

To his surprise, he almost collided with a pair of magnemite.

"Erm…may we help you?" he asked, nervously.

"Hmm? Oh, yes! Yes, you can! Our friends Magnemite and Magnemite stuck themselves together with crazy glue to try and form a magneton, but were unable to find another magnemite to complete the trio!" the two electric-types said, simultaneously.

"How is this a job for us, exactly?" Dave asked.

"Well, they decided to do it at the bottom of a cave, for some reason. Honestly, we don't know what they were thinking. So, can you help us? We'll pay you for it."

Dave turned to Houndour. "What do you think?"

Houndour shrugged. "Sure. I need some money to buy a new house, after all."

"Great! We'll be waiting for you at Thunderwave Cave!" the magnemite duo said, as they floated off.

Dave blinked, then turned to Houndour. "Well…let's get going, then?"

Houndour simply nodded and began walking after the magnemite duo.

Dave let out a sigh, then began to follow.

* * *

"There it is…Thunderwave Cave. You ready, Dave?"

Dave nodded.

"Let's go then," Houndour said.

"Oh, do be careful! It looks awfully dangerous in there!" one of the magnemite shouted after them.

Dave ignored him, and instead chose to take the time to talk with Houndour.

"Look," he said, as he caught up with Houndour, "I'm really sorry about your house. I didn't think that-"

"Look, Dave," Houndour said, "I really don't want to talk about it. It's in the past. I just want to forget about it and move on."

"And how do you plan on doing that?" Dave asked.

"I want to take our minds off of this, and just move on. And, you need to learn how to use attacks," Houndour said.

Dave looked at him, surprised. "But I thought you didn't want to teach me how to use them," he said.

"That was because I didn't think you were serious. This morning made me realize that you have clearly been living under a rock your entire life-I mean, you fucking forgot your own typing. Granted, I did too, but my excuse is that I don't usually expect my shower to explode when I get in it."

"Well. How do you plan on teaching me, then?" Dave asked, as the two of them approached a rather wide room.

"Like this," Houndour said, as he gave Dave a strong push through the doorway.

"What the fuck!" Dave yelled, as he felt himself propelled forward into the room.

He landed in a tangle of limbs smack-dab in the center of the room. When he shook the stars out of his eyes, he happened to notice one very, very crucial thing.

He was surrounded by four rattata.

And they looked pissed.

"Oh, uh, hey fellas," Dave stammered. "Sorry 'bout trespassing on your nice little…erm, abode? Yeah, that. Well, I'll just be going now."

He got up to leave, but found that whenever he tried to move, the group surrounding him would travel in the exact same direction, essentially keeping him stuck in a moving barricade.

"Houndour! Help me out here, buddy!" Dave shouted.

"But if I do, then how will you learn?" Houndour said with a smirk.

"Fuck learning!"

And with that, the group of rattata finally pounced on Dave, and proceeded to bite him over every square inch of his body.

"Gah! Dude, I need help!" Dave shouted.

"You're doing fine," Houndour replied.

"No, I'm-Ah!-not! Oh Jesus fuck, my leg!"

"It's not that bad."

"Get 'em off me! Get 'em off!"

"Dave, you're panicking."

"You're goddamn _right _I'm panic-ow!-panicking!"

"Just relax."

"'Relax?' I'm busy being-fuck!-being mauled by rodents-dammit!-and your advice is to-ow! I've only got one of those!-calm down?"

"If you're not calm, you can't use attacks."

"That's horseshit!" Dave yelled.

"Is it?"

Dave opened his mouth to respond, but, to his surprise, something entirely different shot out of it.

Instead of the excessively long list of obscenities he was expecting, he was greeted with a bolt of lightning, which proceeded to strike one of his attackers directly in the face and knock him into a wall.

"_There _you go, Dave! That was thundershock!" Houndour shouted.

"Yes! Great! Now, please help me!"

"Nope. That guy's getting back up, and you're still getting mauled. Take care of 'em."

"I'm dying over here, Houndour!"

"Just focus on your target, envision the attack, and let loose."

"Do you have any idea how stupid that-"

Dave was cut off by another bolt of lightning exiting from his mouth, which he watched strike another rattata. This time, however, the rattata stayed down.

Houndour smirked. "You were saying?"

Dave didn't hear him, as he was too busy twisting around in a circle, trying to fry the rattata that had attached itself to his back.

"Get off! Get off me, dammit!" he shouted, as he launched thundershock after thundershock. Finally, he managed to grab the rattata in his mouth, throw it on the ground, and hit it with a thundershock. He then turned to confront the other remaining rattata, only to discover that they had fled.

"Nicely done, Dave," Houndour said, as he walked over to his bite-covered, shaking comrade.

Dave glared at him. "That was revenge for the house, wasn't it?"

"Consider us ever, buddy."

"Can I at least get an Oran berry?"

"As soon as I get a new house, you can."

"I hate you."

"Good, then we understand each other."

* * *

"Ughhhh, what floor is this?"

"It's only number two, Dave."

"Well, it seems like it's a higher number when you're covered in rat bites."

"Quit blubberin' you big baby."

"Oh sure, that's easy for _you _to say, but you're not the one covered in bite wounds…"

"Nor am I the one complaining about injuries. Now, shut up and help me look for the stairs."

Dave groaned. "How? I can't even tell where I've been in the place!"

Houndour stared at him. "You mean you haven't been using the map?"

"What map?"

Houndour facepawed, then pointed up at the ceiling. Dave looked up and, to his surprise, there was a transparent white map covering the entire ceiling.

"What the fuck? How did that get there?"

"I don't know, but they're in every dungeon."

"Well, are they correct?"

"Usually."

Dave frowned. "This place is weird… So, according to the magical ceiling-map, we need to travel five squares up, then two left, then two down."

"No, because the map is inverted. So, it's five down, two right, then two up."

"Hang on, am I even viewing it from the right angle?" Dave asked, as he tilted his head.

"I don't know…" Houndour added, as he joined Dave in tilting his head.

"But I thought you said these maps were accurate?"

"That's what I've heard, yes."

"Well, this one isn't."

"It's an oddity, then, because I had no trouble navigating my way here from the previous floor."

"You didn't even need the fucking map for the previous floor! The stairs were in the exact same room where I got mauled by those rodents!"

"…Well, I can't deny that. Okay, it's official, then-we're lost."

Dave took a seat on the rocky ground. "Any suggestions, then?"

"Well, we could hug the walls until we reach the room containing the stairs…although, then we'd have to do that for each floor, and we've got three left to clear after this one…"

"So, what you're trying to say is that we're fucked?"

"With a sandpaper condom and no lube."

Dave's shoulders slumped. "Great. And on the day I figure out how to attack, too."

"Well, it could be worse."

Dave lifted his head a little. "How so?"

"Well, your house could be destroyed."

"And we're back on that subject! I thought you wanted to let it go?"

"Really, I just said that to get you to shut up. No, I'm still really, really pissed at you."

"Excuse me, sirs?" a small voice next to them said.

The two of them turned their heads to see a female nidoran staring at them.

"Beat it, kid. We're trying to have an argument over trivial things, here," Dave said.

Houndour glared at him. "Right, because my house is so 'trivial.'"

"Well, it is!"

"It's where I _live_."

"Don't you mean used to live?"

"Oh, look at that! The guy who blew up my house is now making jokes about it!"

"QUIET!" the nidoran yelled.

Immediately, Dave and Houndour stopped bickering and turned to look at her.

"That's more like it," she said. "Now, I can help you get to the bottom of this cave."

"You can?" Dave asked.

"Yes, but I want something in return."

"And it begins," Houndour said.

The nidoran glared at him. "Do you want my help or not?"

Houndour sighed. "Fine…now, what do you want?"

She smiled. "Now, that's more like it. First, I want to be taken out of this hellhole. Second, I want to join your rescue team."

"Why?" Dave asked.

"Because you both look like you're idiots, and I'd rather not have two easily preventable deaths in this cave," the nidoran said.

"Fine. Anything else?" Houndour asked.

"Actually, yes. I happened to witness your argument earlier. Now, a good team needs to stay on good terms with each other. Therefore, I want you two to kiss and make up."

Dave and Houndour looked at her, then back to each other, then back to her. "Like, an actual kiss? Like, on the lips, and everything?" Dave asked.

"Yes. On the lips. Open-mouth."

"Fuck that! There's no way I'm doing that!" Houndour said.

"I second that," Dave said.

"Do you want my help or not?" the nidoran asked.

The two looked at each other, then grimaced. "How long do we have to do it for?" Dave asked.

"I'll tell you when you can stop."

"Oh, God…I can't believe I'm about to fucking do this…" Houndour said, as he brought his muzzle closer to Dave's.

"Don't fucking think about it, man," Dave said, as he closed his eyes.

Houndour's only response was to push his mouth against Dave's, and fight back the urge to pull away. _Wouldn't dad be so proud of what his son has become? _

Dave, meanwhile was thinking much of the same. _I can't believe I'm fucking kissing Houndour…this settles it; coming here was officially a mistake._

"Okay, you can stop."

The two pulled away without missing a beat, then began to run their tongues through the gravel in an effort to get the taste out.

"Why the fuck did you eat fish for breakfast?" Houndour shouted, through a mouthful of dirt.

"I didn't think I'd be forced to kiss another man by a little girl!" Dave shouted back.

"Awww, yeah!" a random golduck from behind them shouted, "there's that yaoi quota being filled!"

"Fuck you, man!" Dave shouted, as he began firing thundershock attacks after the golduck.

"I'll be back, man! You can run, but you can't hide!" the golduck shouted, as he ran out of the room.

"I really hate that guy…" Houndour said, as he continued to eat more dirt.

The nidoran walked up to them both, a big smile on her face. "Well, you delivered, so I guess I'll help you out…just as soon as I get my badge."

Dave rolled his eyes, then pulled a badge out from within his fur. "Name?"

"Nidoran."

_Of course I'm the only one not named after my species…_"Anything else?"

"Nope. Now give me the badge!"

"Okay, okay. Here," Dave said, as he placed it in her paws. She squealed with delight, then attached it to a bow and tied it around her tail.

"Alright, I'm ready. Let's go find the stairs," she said.

"Can I finish eating this dirt first?" Houndour asked. "I can still taste Dave."

* * *

**Several Floors Later…**

Dave climbed down the last step, panting as he did so. "Oh…oh my god…" he said. "I didn't think I'd get out of there…"

Houndour followed, eyes widened in terror. "I know, man…I was terrified…"

To their surprise, Nidoran skipped right in front of them, humming. "I liked it!" she said.

"I assume that's why you didn't warn us that the last floor was booby trapped to play the entire Limp Bizkit discography as soon as someone took a step off the stairs?" Dave asked.

"Well, yes. Hey look, it's the magnemite!" she said, as she skipped away to talk with them.

"Truly, we have unleashed a great evil onto this world," Houndour said, as he stared at Nidoran.

"Agreed. Unfortunately, I don't think we can just kick her off the team, because she'd probably fill our beds with spiders if we did, or something."

"Guess we're just going to have to live with it, then."

"Yup. Now, let's go rescue the magnemite."

Dave and Houndour stood up, then began to hesitantly walk over to the magnemite, who greeted them quite warmly.

"It's about goddamn time! Do you know how long we've been waiting like this?"

"Shut up and grab my badge so we can teleport out of here," Houndour said, as he watched Nidoran activate her own badge and escape the dungeon.

"With pleasure!" the not-yet-magneton said, as he grabbed the badge with a magnet and was teleported out alongside Houndour.

That left only Dave. He looked down to activate his badge, but stopped when he noticed something strange on the back of it. Curious he flipped it over to take a better look.

There, etched into the metal, were the initials P.D.

* * *

"Oh, thank you for saving our friend! Here, have some money and a seed!"

Dave stared blankly at the seed. "A seed?"

"Yes! It's a magic seed, you see! It will automatically wake your ass up if you get knocked out!"

Dave suddenly looked at the seed with interest. "Well, I'll just put that away, then."

"Well, thanks for the business. It was a…well, it was an experience," Houndour said.

"Oh no, thank _you_!" the magneton group echoed, all at once, before floating away.

"Those guys were weird," Nidoran said, as she fidgeted with her bow.

"No arguments here. Well, now that we're done with that bullshit, we still have one problem," Houndour said.

"What's that?" Dave asked.

"Where are we supposed to sleep?"

"Well, we can just sleep on the grass, can't we? It's not like it's raining, or anything," Dave said.

Of course, the universe has a way of taking your words and stabbing you with them. For, at that exact moment, it began to rain.

Dave took one look at the raindrops falling around him, and said the one thing that he could possibly say at that point;

"Well, shit."


	4. Chapter 4

**A Rather Unwelcome Burden**

**Chapter 4**

* * *

"So, it's agreed, then; we both hate Dave."

"Yup."

Houndour and Nidoran both glared at Dave from their spot underneath the tree. The rain had been pouring down for several hours ever since Dave had decided to tempt fate, and received a proverbial slap to the balls for it.

Unfortunately for the rest of Team Schism, they also took the slap to the balls. As a result, they were all pissing blood.

Proverbially, of course. In reality, the three were simply stuck underneath the tree.

After a while of being stuck in an enclosed space with Dave, however, it seemed as though the rest of the team would willingly take a real slap to the balls if it meant getting out of the rain, bloody piss or not.

Thus, it was unanimously decided between both Nidoran and Houndour to separate from Dave, until the storm passed by.

The storm, however, had different plans.

"Will this fucking storm ever stop?" Houndour asked, as he glared up at the sky.

"You know, it's times like these I wish I had stayed in my cave," Nidoran said.

Houndour scowled. "Well, you're part of the team now, so get over it."

"Hey, guys! Can I come back over, yet?" Dave shouted, from his position underneath another tree several yards away.

"Shut up, Dave," Houndour and Nidoran said at the same time.

"Well, fine!" Dave said, as he turned his back to them with a huff.

Houndour sighed. Honestly, he was quite surprised they hadn't been killed-the entire team seemed to radiate with incompetence.

His musings were interrupted when Nidoran tapped him on the shoulder. Houndour looked at her, then noticed that she was stifling a laugh and pointing above Dave's head.

Houndour felt his gaze wander back to Dave, then up to the branches.

He couldn't help but laugh at what he saw.

Dave turned back to Nidoran and Houndour. "What's so funny?" he asked.

The two completely lost it. They began rolling around on the ground, clutching their sides and guffawing loudly.

Dave scowled. "What's so funny?"

Houndour managed to stop laughing long enough to catch his breath. He began sucking in mouthfuls of air, before finally deciding that he could form a coherent sentence.

"Dave," he said, "there's a spinarak above your head."

"Oh, ha ha, guys. This is revenge for the rain, isn't it?" Dave asked, as he tilted his head upwards.

Upon seeing the spider, he let out a scream that even a high-pitched adolescent schoolgirl dragging her nails on a chalkboard while listening to Slipknot would have cringed at.  
The spinarak, upon hearing Dave scream, began to panic. He desperately tried to scramble up his web, but ended up losing his grip in his hastiness. To prevent himself from hitting the ground (and, consequently, becoming a stain on the grass), he grabbed ahold of the nearest object.

The 'nearest object' in this case, however, happened to be Dave's face.

Dave, upon recognizing that his face was now being used as a doormat for a spider, completely lost his shit. He began to run in circles around the tree trunk, screaming the entire time.

"I'VE GOT A SPIDER ON MY HEAD!" he yelled. "GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! DAMMIT, SOMEONE GET A NEWSPAPER, OR SOMETHING!"

Houndour shared a brief look with Nidoran before turning back to Dave. "Should we do something?"

"No, he's got it under control," Nidoran replied, "I mean, just look at him."

At this point, Dave was doing little more than rolling around on the ground, scratching desperately at his face in a vain attempt to remove the spinarak.

"No, Ricky Bobby, you ain't on fire!" Houndour yelled.

"Oh, sure, you've got time to crack jokes, but will one of you take the time to _help me?_" Dave shouted in anger.

"Dave, it's just a spider," Nidoran said.

"Finally, one of you understands the problem!" Dave yelled.

Nidoran rolled her eyes. "Okay, it's not funny anymore," she said, as she walked over to Dave, picked up the spinarak, then placed it on the tree trunk.

The spinarak NOPED the fuck out of there as fast as its legs would allow it.

Her work completed, Nidoran walked back over to Houndour, then laid down.

"What about Dave?" Houndour asked.

Nidoran waved a paw. "He's out cold. Either he was injected with some poison, or he's too much of a whiney baby to deal with one spider by himself. Hell, it might have been both-this is Dave we're talking about, after all."

"So, our friend-"

"_Your _friend."

"_My _friend may be dying of a spider bite, and we're just going to leave him there and let nature take its course?"

"That's the plan, yes."

Houndour stared at Nidoran in silence for several seconds before speaking again.

"I like this plan."

* * *

**Meanwhile…**

Dave awoke with a stir. "Ugh…I feel like I was just forced to kiss another man by a little girl, beat up beyond recognition, crapped on by the universe and its sense of extreme irony, and bitten by a spider."

"_That's because you were, Dave."_

Dave grimaced. "I'm dreaming again, aren't I?"

"_Yes. Now, shut up, for I have something important to say."_

"What about?"

"_The plot, Dave."_

"Uggggggggh…"

"_Shut up and listen!"_

"But this whole plot's convoluted beyond belief, and-"

Dave stopped as he felt something clamp itself around his mouth.

"_Shut up, Dave! Now, I must tell you this; there's going to be an earthquake. Don't ask why, there's just going to be one."_

Dave felt whatever was holding his mouth shut release its grip on him. "But-"

"_Please save all questions until the end."_

"But I-"

"_Look, buddy-this may be just a dream, but you're still stuck in the body of a fucking electric cat. I can neuter you whenever I want. Just say it, and I'll have Bob Barker and a pair of hedge clippers in here faster than you can say, "Genital mutilation". Got it?"_

Dave gulped. The last thing he wanted was to have his testicles removed by a senile old man with gardening equipment.

He was kind of attached to his testicles, after all.

"_So, to recap; there's going to be an earthquake. Why doesn't matter. Also, you kissed a dude yesterday."_

"What does that have anything to do with this?"

"_Nothing. Just didn't want you forgetting it any time soon._"

"I find myself hating you more and more each and every time I come here."

"_The feeling's mutual. Now get the fuck out of my lava lamp."_

* * *

Dave felt someone kick him in the side. Grumbling, he stood up, let out a yawn, then turned to see who had kicked him.

To his surprise, he found no one there.

"Ahem."

Upon hearing the voice, Dave looked down at the ground. "Did you say something, dirt?" he asked.

"Is this guy retarded, or something?"

"Yes," Houndour said, as he walked over to stand next to Dave, who glared at him.

"Ah. Well, that answers a few of our questions, then."

"Would you mind showing yourselves?" Houndour asked.

"Certainly."

Houndour was suddenly hurled into the tree as a massive mound of dirt erupted from beneath him. Dave watched him fly several meters away, then land in the branches.

"And the field goal's good," he said, before turning back to the dirt. "So, what did you need, dirt?"

"First off, we're called Dugtrio. Second of all, we already don't like you. Finally, we need you to go rescue our kid."

Dave facepawed. "Fuckin' really? _More _kids? Houndour, you hear this shit?"

"I refuse to answer that until someone gets me a ladder to climb down."

Nidoran laughed. "What's wrong, Houndour? Afraid of heights?"

"Terribly. Now will you please help me get down?"

"Certainly," Nidoran said, as she took several steps back and lowered her head.

Houndour's eyes widened. "Actually, I've changed my mind. It's quite nice up here. Yup, no reason to come down."

"Too late," Nidoran said, as she charged at the tree trunk at full speed. The resulting headbutt shook the entire tree down to its roots, and caused Houndour to fall about nine feet to the ground.

Dave turned back to Dugtrio. "Now, you were saying something about a kid?"

"Yes, yes we were. There was an earthquake at this one place last night, and this one douchebag named Skarmory thought we did it, so she fucking stole our kid."

Dave blinked. "Is that all?"

"Yes it is. Honestly, we don't even know why we're here, man-Diglett's probably been eaten by now, or something. If that's the case, just bring us back the bones so we have something to use as support beams for our many caves and tunnels, so they won't collapse when our armies finally invade the surface world."

"Well, we'll see what we can do," Dave said, as he watched Dugtrio dig its way back underground. Once he was certain Dugtrio was gone, he turned to the rest of his team.

"We've got a job to do, guys," he said.

Houndour groaned in response, while Nidoran sat in place, fidgeting with her bow.

"Oh, come on! Where's your team spirit?"

"In the shitter, along with my good mood," Houndour said.

"I don't like the ground type," Nidoran said.

Dave sighed. "Look, if we do this job, then we're free for the rest of the week. Okay?"

Houndour and Nidoran looked at each other. They both let out small shrugs, then got up to join Dave.

"So where's this place at?" Nidoran asked.

"Oh…it's at the…ummm…you know…" Dave stammered.

"No, we don't know. That's why we're asking," Houndour said.

"Oh, well in that case…it's in that one place, with the one thing that does stuff."

"You forgot to ask for instructions, didn't you?" Nidoran asked.

"…Maybe just a little bit."

* * *

After hours upon hours of questioning other pokémon as to where they might find Skarmory (and receiving such helpful answers as, "my ass," or, "I'm calling the cops), the trio had finally managed to find the proper destination.

"Well, here it is. Mt. Steel," Dave said.

"Just think; we could be home right now, if Dave had just asked for directions. Oh, wait, no we fucking couldn't, because he _blew it the fuck up!" _Houndour said.

"Can't you just let it go?" Dave asked.

"I swear to God, if I hear this argument anymore, I'll make you two touch balls!" Nidoran yelled.

"…Hey Dave?"

"Yeah, Houndour?"

"What's say that we never bring up the house again?"

"You read my mind."

Nidoran grinned. "See? We're all one, big, happy family. Dysfunctional too, but there's some happy in there, buried beneath the layers of animosity and passive-aggressiveness. Now, let's go save us a retarded kid."

"Never have I heard such an inspiring sentence about saving a legless mole," Houndour said.

"Let's just get in there and beat up a metal bitch," Nidoran said, as she charged into the cave, Dave and Houndour right behind her.

* * *

Contrary to the name, Mt. Steel is not, in fact, made of steel. Instead, it is made up of piles of centuries-old rocks, which have been mysteriously shaped in such a way that rooms and floors were formed.

Also, Mt. Steel is very small. So small, in fact, that it was originally supposed to be called Hill Steel, before some guy said that Mt. Steel sounded better to crazy, metallic birds with a disposition for kidnapping children.

All of this became quite clear to the group the instant they set foot into the first room.

"Is anyone else feeling really, _really _claustrophobic right now?" Nidoran asked.

Dave opened his mouth, but was silenced by Houndour.

"Dave, if you're about to ask why she's talking about Santa, it's neither original nor funny, and you should feel bad about yourself."

Dave quickly shut up, and didn't say anything until the group had located the stairs.

"Okay, seriously now; doesn't _anyone_ else find these stairs to be kind of weird?" Dave asked.

"Yes, but we've decided it'd just be better if we ignored it, because it's not at all important and generally it's just annoying when someone like you points out the obvious. Shut up, is what I'm trying to say," Houndour said, as he trotted up the stairs.

Dave glared at him from behind as he ascended the stairs to the next floor. As he reached the top, he happened to bump into Houndour, who was standing still on the top step.

"Hey, Houndour?" Dave asked. "Move your fat ass!"

"No fucking _way_," Houndour said, before sprinting off to one of the corners of the room.

"Hey, wait!" Dave called after him. "The other Pokémon move as soon as you do, and only when you do! You're attracting them all to us!"

"Dave, he's not listening. He's too obsessed with that gummi to hear you," Nidoran said, motioning towards Houndour with a paw.

Dave blinked. "What's a gummi?"

Nidoran let out a sigh. "A sweet treat that tastes exceptionally good, when given to the right type of pokémon. As you can clearly see, Houndour is basically obsessed with that red gummi over there."

"What's that? I can't hear you over my _massive pounding erection!"_ Houndour said, as he began rapidly chewing on the gummi.

"…Well, that's one thing I never wanted to hear," Dave said.

"Get used to it. That's what most males shout whenever they find a gummi they're guaranteed to like," Nidoran said.

"Okay, I'm almost scared to ask what females shout, then."

"You should be," Nidoran said, causing Dave to shiver out of fear.

"Okay, now that that's done, we can move on," Houndour said, as he walked back over to the group.

"How…how was your gummi?" Dave asked, slightly terrified of the response he would get.

"It was simply the most amazing thing I've ever had in my entire life, as it always has been," Houndour sighed. "I pity the dead who can no longer know such _joys…"_

"Okay, okay. We get it, Houndour; you're hot for sugary candy. Now, can we please move on?" Nidoran asked, impatiently.

Houndour glared at her. "You and I both know that you'd do the same thing if you found your favorite gummi in a cave!"

"Yeah, yeah, can we just move on?" Dave said, pointing at the next set of stairs. "That spearow five blocks away looks kinda pissed."

**Several pain-filled floors later…**

Dave managed to pull himself up the final step with the last ounce of his strength, then promptly collapsed from exhaustion. As he began to catch his breath, he saw the other two members of his team slowly crawl up the steps as well.

"You just _had _to make fun of them, didn't you? Couldn't leave well enough alone?" Dave said.

"Well, how was I supposed to know that bronytas were easily offended!" Houndour shouted.

"You stole their toy figurines, lit them on fire, then rolled around in the melted plastic shouting, 'look at me! I'm a ponyta! You'll never be like me, you fat fucks!'" Dave said. "Honestly, I'd be kind of pissed, too."

"In my defense, there _was _a fat guy there."

"Yes. One fat guy. Out of, like, a hundred," Dave said, as he stood up.

"I'm going to have to side with Dave on this one, mainly because you caused them to get pissed off and kick me in the face," Nidoran said, as she motioned towards the rapidly developing bruise on her cheek.

"Whatever. Let's just-"

"Hey, what's this thing?"

Houndour looked over to where Dave was standing. "That's an orb, Dave. Now-" his eyes widened. "DAVE, PUT THAT FUCKING ORB DOWN RIGHT NOW!"

"Why?"

"Because you're you, and that things dangerous as shit," Nidoran said, as she took the orb away from Dave.

"Why? What's it do?"

"That depends on the orb. What you have here is an escape orb. Touch it in the wrong spot and it'll transport us back to the town square, and we'd have to go through the entire fucking cave system and deal with those bronytas again," Nidoran said, as she set the orb gently on the ground.

"So, we're just going to leave it there?"

"Yes Dave, we're just going to leave it there. Don't touch it, don't breathe on it, don't even look in its general direction. I will hurt you if you do," Nidoran said, as she and Houndour entered the hallway.

Dave cast one last, forlorn look at the orb before entering after them. "So, how many more floors before we get to the bird?" he asked.

"None. Once we find the stairs here, we'll be at the peak, and I'm betting that's where we'll find her and the kid," Houndour said.

"We're dead, aren't we?"

"Probably," Houndour said.

"If you two are quite finished, I've got the stairs over here," Nidoran said, as she pointed towards the staircase. "You coming?"

Houndour glanced at Dave, then at Nidoran. "Yup. Let's go do this," he said, as he went up the stairs.

"If I'm going to die, I might as well die on top of a mountain by the talons of an armor-clad bird," Dave said, as he followed Houndour.

Nidoran cast one last glance behind her before ascending the stairs with her comrades.

* * *

"Well, here we are. At the motherfucking peak. Aaaaaaaaaand there's no kidnapped child or pedophilic bird anywhere," Dave said.

"That's because you're looking the wrong way, Dave," Houndour said, as he grabbed Dave, then turned him around.

"Oh, _now _I see it," Dave said, as he came face-to-face with a very angry, very deadly-looking metal bird.

"Oh, look who decided to stop by! Please, do continue staying on top of my peak!" Skarmory said, with a smile.

"Enough games! Where's the kid?" Houndour asked.

"Kid? Oh! You mean Diglett. He's back there, on top of that stone he could very easily tunnel his way through, but for some reason doesn't," Skarmory said.

"This job is eight kinds of retarded…" Nidoran murmured.

Skarmory gasped. "Language! There's a child present, you know," she said, motioning towards Diglett with a razor-sharp feather.

"Because you kidnapped him!" Dave said.

"Kidnap? Oh, no, little shinx, you've got it all wrong! I _invited _him here as thanks for knocking down a portion of the mountain and sealing in that crevice over there."

"Yeah, that's what happened," Diglett said.

Dave's face fell. "Oh. Well, we'll be going, then."

"Oh, nonsense! You came all this way! At least rest here before leaving!" Skarmory said.

"Well, okay," Dave said.

"There is just one thing, though," Skarmory said.

"Which is..?" Nidoran asked.

"Did you wipe your feet before entering the peak?"

Dave gave her a questioning look.

Skarmory's eye twitched. "You…you _did _wipe your feet, right?"

"Erm…were we supposed to?" Dave asked?

Skarmory let out a loud squawk. "Of _course _you were supposed to! Didn't you see the mat on the way up?"

She pointed towards the staircase with a feather, and everyone turned their head to check. Sure enough, at the top of the staircase was a small mat with 'Welcome!' printed in bold, black letters across it.

Dave gulped. "I'm…sorry?"

"Sorry doesn't cut it! You come into _my _house, and then track dirt on _my _floors?"

"The floors are made of dirt!" Houndour shouted.

"That's beside the point!" Skarmory yelled, as she flared her wings. "Now, I'm going to have to kill you!"

"Oh, you guys fucked up," Diglett said.

"Shut up, you little penis," Nidoran said, as she glared at him.

"Oh, and now you insult my guest? That's it! You are, by far, the _worst_ three visitors I've ever had!" Skarmory said.

"Bring it, lady!" Houndour said, as he leapt forward.

"Gladly!" Skarmory said, as her wings began to glow. Houndour saw what was coming and managed to dodge her attack before it hit him. Instead, the sword-like wings left several deep, long gouges in the floor.

"Scatter!" Houndour shouted, as Skarmory charged towards them all, wings glowing. All three team members managed to avoid her attack, except for Nidoran.

"Son of a bitch!" she shouted, as she felt one of Skarmory's feathers graze her back. It was by no means a deep cut, but it certainly hurt.

"You okay, Nidoran?" Dave shouted.

"I'm fine! Just focus on her!" Nidoran shouted.

Dave nodded, then began charging a thundershock attack. Out of the corner of his eye, he witnessed Houndour preparing to use ember.

"Same time!" he yelled, just as both of their attacks finished charging. In an instant, the two released their charged attacks, which both struck Skarmory head-on.

Skarmory let out a yelp as the two attacks hit her on her shielded forehead, then began to laugh. "You think you can penetrate my armor? Think again!" she said, as she began slashing at Houndour with her wing blades.

Houndour looked at Dave, desperation etched across his face. "Any ideas?"

"Just one," Dave said.

"Other than wetting yourself and calling for your mother, I mean."

"Oh. Then, none.

"Will you two do something?" Nidoran cried, as she ducked underneath Skarmory's beak.

Dave shrugged. "Wait! I thought of something!" he cried, as he picked up a pebble, then threw it at Skarmory.

"You're a moron, Dave!" Nidoran shouted.

To everyone's surprise, Skarmory let out a loud shriek as the pebble hit her on the back. "Ahhh! Gravelrocks! My one true weakness!"

Dave grinned. "Everyone, throw pebbles!"

At his cue, Houndour and Nidoran began scooping up mouthfuls of pebbles and spat them at Skarmory, bullet-speed style.

The three watched as Skarmory twisted in pain as each of the pebbles struck her all across the body. They backed her into a corner, then each bent down and scooped up another mouthful of pebbles.

"Wait!" Skarmory cried. "I give, I give! You win! Please, no more gravelrocks! I beg you!"

Houndour, Nidoran, and Dave all looked at each other, then spat out their mouthfuls of pebbles.

"Soooo…mission success?" Dave asked, as Skarmory started crying.

"Yeah, I'd say so. Someone get the kid so we can get back to town," Houndour said.

"No need," Diglett said, as he dug his way over to the group.

"Kid, do you know how much fucking trouble you put us through in order to 'save' you?" Houndour asked.

"No, and frankly, I don't care. I just want to get home so I can yell at Dugtrio for sending someone to come get me before dinner was served."

"It was going to be a vegetarian meal, too!" Skarmory said, in between sobs.

"Whatever. Let's just leave before this gets any weirder," Nidoran said, as she grabbed Diglett and activated her badge, teleporting back to the town.

"Let's go, Dave," Houndour said, as he, too, activated his badge.

Dave reached down to activate his, but as he did so, he happened to catch some movement out of the corner of his eye. As he turned to look at what it was, he accidentally activated his badge. As such, the only thing he had time to see was the tip of a tail disappearing between the rocks.

* * *

"So, when do we get paid?" Houndour asked.

"Hmmmm?" Dugtrio said. "Oh. Oh! Your payment. Yes, here you go," he said, as he mimed picking something up and placing it at Houndour's feet.

Houndour scowled. "What is this bullshit?"

"That, my friend, is a single fuck. It is my gift to you. Use it well, for it is the only one I shall ever give you," Dugtrio said, as it disappeared beneath the ground.

"I really hate life sometimes," Houndour said, as he marched back under the tree. "I'll be here if anyone needs me. Hopefully you don't, because you'll be on your own if you do."

"Sleep sounds good right about now, you know," Nidoran said, as she joined Houndour beneath the shade.

"Hey, guys?" Dave asked.

"What do you want, assmunch?" Houndour asked.

"Wow, thanks for that self-esteem boost, Houndour. I just wanted to ask if either of you saw anyone else up there while we were fighting Skarmory."

"I didn't see anyone except us three, Diglett, and Skarmory," Nidoran said.

"Well, that's weird, because I could've sworn that, just before I teleported-"

"Dave, go the fuck to sleep already. Nobody cares," Houndour said.

Dave shrugged, then began walking towards the tree to join the others two. He stopped when they began glaring at him.

"What?" he asked.

Silently, Nidoran and Houndour pointed to the tree Dave had been forced to sleep under the night before.

"Gee, I love you guys, too."

"Just get under the damn tree," Houndour and Nidoran said at once.

* * *

**A/N**: This chapter contains my first battle scene. I tried. Also, this thing now has a cover. I don't know why, but somehow, I think it works.

Stay read-y, my friends.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:** Fuck.

**A Rather Unwelcome Burden**

**Chapter 5**

It was a few days after what was now being referred to as, "The Skarmory Incident" occurred, and Team Schism (all three of the lonely fuckers) was enjoying themselves greatly.

"We got any more of that…what was that drink called again, Houndour?" Dave asked.

"It's called Fapple, Dave, and no, we're all out."

"Fuck," Dave said, as he stepped on the can, then kicked it towards the ruins of Houndour's house, precariously close to his teammate's azalea garden.

Houndour's eye twitched. "Dave, I swear to God…"

"Relax, you horse's ass, it's not even close to the flowers! Why do you care so much about those things, anyway? They're just plants."

"I have hobbies just like you. The only difference is that mine are planting things and contributing to the community, while yours are burning houses down and being stupid."

"You seem upset."

"Indeed, I am upset. Tomorrow, however, I shall be calm, and you shall still be stupid."

"What are you two pansies doing?" Nidoran asked, as she joined them under the tree.

"We're doing our best to be the opposite of a circlejerk," Dave said.

"And how's that been going so far?"

"It's been going great; we've managed to revive the previously dead-and-buried hatchet, ignite moderately large feelings of hostility between each other, and I don't know why I just told you all that, because now you're going to make us do something embarrassing," Houndour said.

"Your honesty is much appreciated," Nidoran said. "But, yes, you're doing something embarrassing."

* * *

After several hours of the two consuming massive amounts of ethanol to get the taste of each other out of their mouths (as well as chasing off that one golduck who seemed to appear out of fucking nowhere), Dave and Houndour returned to Nidoran.

"This issue will never be a problem again, right?" Nidoran asked.

The two shook their heads, causing her to smile.

"That's good. Now let's go check the post office and see if there's any jobs available; I don't think I can take another day of you two arguing."

* * *

The walk to the post office was relatively uneventful.

Or, it would have been, if not for one thing…

"Dave! Houndour!"

Houndour groaned. "Oh, no, someone kill me now…"

"It's time like these that I wish I had died when I blew up your house…" Dave mumbled.

"Are you guys happy to see me?" Caterpie said, as he ran up to them on his little stubbly legs.

"If we say 'yes', will you go away?" Dave asked.

"No!"

"I'm going to have to hit you in the 'nads again, aren't I?" Houndour said, unamused.

Caterpie giggled. "Do that and I won't tell you about this mission!"

"Fine by me," Houndour said, as he cracked his neck and advanced upon the little cretin, teeth bared.

"Whoa there, tiger," Nidoran said, as she grabbed Houndour roughly by the hind leg.

"Ow! Let go of me!" Houndour said.

Nidoran glared at him. "Not a chance in hell. We need this mission, or you two asses will tear each other apart. No, I'm not letting you go until we get the details of this mission from this little bastard, and there's nothing you can say that can change my mind."

"You are _dangerously_ close to grabbing my fucking balls by accident," Houndour said, causing Nidoran to quickly let go of his leg.

Dave cleared his throat to get their attention.

"If you ladies are quite done, I've managed to get the details from this stack of fuckshit here," he said, holding up a (slightly beaten) Caterpie. Houndour and Nidoran exchanged a quick glance, then made their way over to Dave.

"Ugh…why?" Caterpie asked.

"Because, Caterpie; I don't like you," Dave said, as he placed the insect on the ground and pointed at the rest of his team with a paw. "Now tell them about the job."

"Fine! But this is the _last _time I ever hire you three!" he said.

"Do you want our help with something or not?" Houndour shouted.

"Yes, I would! Okay, so there's this place called Sinister Woods, right? And-"

"Heh. I've got some 'sinister wood'," Dave said, to the rapture of everyone else.

"Continue…" Nidoran said, as she looked for a way to remove her paw from her face.

"…Right. Anyway, there's this place called Sinister Woods, and my asshat friend Metapod decided, 'hey, this looks like a freakin' awesome place to go and dick around in!', and ran in. Now he's stuck and shit and I need some help getting him back here, or his mom will beat me."

"I don't care, kid. I just don't care," Dave said. "Now, are we going to-"

"Not so fast!" someone shouted from nowhere in particular.

Houndour once again let out a groan. "Oh, fuck, not these assholes…"

"Who?" Dave asked.

"Some dickhead named Gengar. He likes to fuck with people," Houndour said.

"Damn right, I do!" Gengar said, as he approached the group, his teammates behind him.

Houndour glared at them, teeth bared ever so slightly. "How may we help you…" he searched for a word. "…lower life forms?"

"ASS!" One of Gengar's teammates shouted.

Gengar facepalmed. "Ignore Ekans, please. He's got a pretty severe case of Tourettes."

"Bitch tits!"

"Shut up Ekans," his other teammate said, smacking the snake in the head.

"Thank you, Medicham. Now, as I was saying-we're here to steal your client."

Houndour did a double-take. "Wait, really?"

"Well, yeah. I mean, we need the money-"

"Fuck it, you can have the job," Houndour said, making Nidoran smack him.

"Ignore him, he's been discovered to contain ingredients that cause cancer by the state of California. Now, gentlemen, I'm afraid we, too, are in a bit of a financial crisis."

"Fuck that!" Dave shouted.

"Well, then how about we race to see who gets there first?" Gengar said.

"Hell, no! We aren't doing shit for this kid!" Dave said.

"Shut up, Dave," Nidoran said.

"I'm dead fuckin' serious, I will pay you money to fuckin' go save this little idiot-this lidiot, if you will-instead of us."

Nidoran kicked him in the balls.

"Now, what was it you were saying, Gengar?" she asked, a little too sweetly.

"Uh…right…how about we just, like, race to the mountain? I'd offer to fight you for this job, but I, unlike the shinx over there, value my reproductive organs," Gengar said.

"Fair enough. Come on, guys," Nidoran said, her team forming up around her.

"Can we not go as fast? I may have ruptured one of them…" Dave whined, clutching his groin and moaning.

* * *

The path to Sinister Woods was long and hard.

Huehuehue.

Actually, wait, no it wasn't-it was quite short. Like, fifteen minutes, or so.

Weird.

Anyway, once they reached the Woods, the trio quickly realized something.

"Guys, this is going to get really boring, really fast. What should we do?" Dave asked.

"We could sing a camp song," Houndour said, jokingly.

"That's…actually not a bad idea. Who wants to go first?" Nidoran asked.

"I will!" Dave said, as he took a deep breath.

"_NIGGA NIGGA NIGGA NIGGA NIGGA NIGGA NIGGA_

_I'M A HUNDRED PERCENT NIGGA_

_NIGGA NIGGA NIGGA NIGGA NIGGA NIGGA NIGGA_

_I'M TWO HUNDRED PERCENT NIGGA_

_NIGGA NIGGA NIGGA NIGGA NIGGA NIGGA NIGGA_

_I'M THREE HUNDRED PERCENT NIG-"_

"That's enough of that, Dave," Houndour said, beginning to get annoyed. "Any other suggestions?"

"Guess-this-riff?" Nidoran asked.

"How do you play?"

"It's easy-you describe a riff or style of riff played by a person, and the other players guess the musician of the song. I'll go first."

"Okay, try me."

"Alright, umm…a bunch of complex scale runnings, followed by a few sweep-picked arpeggios and some whammy effects."

"It's either Muhammed Suicmez or Skwisgaar Skwigelf, but I'm going to guess Suicmez. Is it Suicmez?" Dave answered.

"Uh…yeah…how the fuck did you know that?" Nidoran asked.

"I just did," Dave said. "Now it's my turn. Babby's first black metal riff."

"Mayhem-Freezing Moon," Nidoran said. "Now you go, Houndour."

"Alright. 0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0."

"Every single song by Slayer ever written."

"Correct. Well, this is boring," Houndour said.

"Yeah. Hey, there are the stairs!" Dave shouted. "And the only thing blocking them is a tree!"

Nidoran squinted her eyes. "That's no tree, Dave," she said. "It's a sudowoodo."

"Huh? What?" the sudowoodo said, shaking itself awake. "Someone call my name?"

"No. Now get out of the way, please," Houndour said.

"Alright, but first you must answer this riddle."

"The answer is fire," Houndour said.

"What? No it's-" he began, before Houndour lit him on fire, sending him running out of the woods.

"Sure seems like it is," he said, as he began to climb the stairs.

* * *

"You know, you didn't have to set him on fire," Nidoran said to Houndour as she ascended the stairs.

"No, but I _wanted _to set him on fire. It took my mind off of dickless over there," Houndour said, pointing to Dave with his tail.

"You know, your insults hurt. I'm calling the cops. For assault. On my emotions."

"Shut up, Dave."

Dave grinned. "Am I getting to you already?"

"Hey, focus!" Nidoran shouted at the two of them, shutting them up.

Of course, the silence didn't last very long, because homeless people and soccer moms are known to lurk in the darkness. Unfortunately, they encountered neither, instead running into…

"What in the name of Private Pyle is that thing?" Dave asked, pointing a claw at the thing in question.

"I don't know, but it's in the way," Houndour said, approaching it. "Hey, buddy? Yeah, you're in the way. If you could just move your fat, disgusting, morbidly obese ass out of the way? That'd be great."

Well, you know what they say about waking a sleeping giant. Or maybe you don't, in which case you need to learn more about World War 2: Electric Boogaloo. What I'm trying to say is the fat thing woke up.

"I have a right to defend myself as a swinub!" the thing said, turning to face the group while firing balls of ice at them. "No means no!"

The trio, not much wanting to be pelted by balls of anything, quickly retreated behind cover to formulate a plan and clean the urine off of themselves.

"Houndour!" Nidoran said, "You're a fire type! Take care of Chicken McFucknugget over there!"

"What's Dave got to do with this?"

Nidoran rolled her eyes. "You _know _what I meant!"

"Oh, the Creature From The Fat Lagoon. Yeah, nah, that's not happening."

"Well, why the fuck not?!"

"Well, for one, he's also part ground, and for another, this whole excursion has been gay enough without adding balls of any kind to it."

"For Christ's sake!" Nidoran shouted. "Beaten by Gabe Newell's bellybutton lint! What a way to go!"

"Fear not, my friends, for _I _shall handle this!" Dave shouted.

Houndour tilted his head. "How?"

Dave grinned. "I have a plan! Watch this!" he said, as he poked his head out from behind cover. "Stop hurling balls at us!"

"CASTLE DOCTRINE ENTITLES ME TO MURDER YOU IN SELF-DEFENSE!" said the thing.

"Right, plan B…" Dave said, ignoring the looks of his teammates.

"Dave, don't. You're embarrassing yourself," Houndour said.

"Damn straight, son," Dave said, sprinting out from behind cover, claws out.

"Oh, shit!" Pig-thing shouted, seeing the electric cat race towards him.

"To quote _The Raven_," Dave said, as he began to close the distance between him and Jabba the Hut's ballsack, "I'mma fuck you up."

And fuck him up he did, evidenced by the spray of blood and guts, as well as the massive portal to the deepest part of Hell opening up beneath him and Satan himself dragging Rasputin's toupee down to be sodomized by the half-decayed corpses of Victorian-era children dressed in drag while Vektor played in the background.

Just kidding. What actually happened is this; Dave knocked the fucker out, and the narrator realized he could write death metal lyrics if he so desired.

Yay, job opportunities.

Oh, and Dave learned how to bitch-slap.

"Yeah! How'd you bitches like that?" he shouted, dancing around his defeated foe.

"I'll admit, that was pretty badass, but you got hit," Nidoran said.

"What? No I didn't."

"Yeah…yeah, you did," Houndour said. "Touch your forehead."

Dave did just that, and to his surprise, discovered a large, jagged piece of ice sticking out of his skull. "Oh, is that all?" he asked.

"Are you okay? You're turning pale," Nidoran asked, concerned.

At that point, the façade broke.

"No! Jesus Christ, what the _shit?! _ What the fuck do I do now?!" he yelled.

"Dave, calm down," Houndour said.

"No, fuck you! There's a damn icicle sticking out of my head!"

"Well, what do you want _us _to do about it?" Houndour asked.

"Pull it out!"

"Ew. No, I'm not going near that thing."

"I've got this," Nidoran said, approaching Dave. "Now, you're going to feel a little sting…" she said, grabbing ahold of the icicle and pulling.

It's rumored that resulting scream caused three earthquakes, four volcanic eruptions, one thousand broken windows, and one glam metal band to fire their vocalist.

* * *

"You know, Dave, you've got some lungs. You could make a career out of that, you know," Houndour said.

"Live long and bite me," Dave responded. "We at the top yet? I wanna go home and put some Icyhot on my face."

"Yeah. See? There's Dickhead and his Band of Merry Manlets, right there," Nidoran said, pointing to Gengar and his team.

Gengar looked up from his book. "Oh, you're here? Well, blow me down, I didn't think you had it in you. Guess I was wrong."

"Cut the shit, Gengar," Dave said, "I just took a damn spear of ice in my head. I don't need your bullshit today. Give us our client, and we'll be on our way."

"Fuckballs!" Ekans shouted, causing Medicham to slap him.

"For once, Ekans, I'm actually inclined to agree," Gengar said. "We were here first, therefore he's rightfully our client."

Nidoran's eye twitched. "Boys?"

Dave and Houndour looked at each, audibly gulped, then looked back at her. "Yes?"

"Stand back, this is about to get messy."

"I somehow doubt that, little girl," Medicham said.

Hold on to your butts, kids.

* * *

The resulting battle is still talked about today as one of the swiftest in all of history, surpassing even Australia's Great Emu War. However, like said war, the casualties remained much the same, with one exception; Emus tend to lose with more dignity, even when faced with .50 caliber machine guns mounted on trucks and driven by guys whose daily routine consists of stomping on spiders bigger than Romney's forehead and hunting the mythical Drop Koala.

And that, children, is what we call a Blitzkrieg. Except, you know, with, like, one guy. Now, where was I? Oh yes, the little girl beating up a team of d-bags.

It didn't take long for Gengar and his team to book it right the fuck out of Sinister Dick Jokes, leaving our group of…our group, let's just say, with Metapod.

"You found me!" Metapod shouted.

"Get the fuck back into town before we decide to keep you lost," Houndour said.

"O-okay…" Metapod said, as he began the long, arduous, fifteen minute walk…crawl…wiggle back home.

Houndour turned to Nidoran. "I know I was a bit harsh, but the dude got lost in a forest, and I'm not being paid to babysit today."

"No complaints."

"Oi! You two just going to stand there and gab away, or are we going to get paid?" Dave shouted, prodding his badge. "Let's all GTFO!"

"Yes, let's," Nidoran said, activating her own badge and teleporting back alongside Dave.

"Yeah, whatever," Houndour said, following them back home.

And, what do you know, they were immediately greeted by the most annoying kid in the world.

"Thanks for saving Metapod, fuckers. Now here's some cash."

"Thanks for the cash, asshole. And if you hire us again, we'll shove your fucking friend up your ass."

* * *

A/N: Back after several, several months of bullshit. Hopefully ya'll remembered me. It's going to take a bit to get my writing chops back (lel, obvious jokes), but hopefully you can all bear with me for that time. Also, is it just me, or does the font change, like, halfway through?


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